Dear T,

I thought today that you were proud of me. From the things you said and the way you were. You said you were emotional, was that pride or love or happiness or all of it maybe? I wish you would say it. I want you to be proud of me, and I am glad that we are now getting to the stage where I can kind of sense that from you.

Thank you for not pushing on that bit of work we were looming at. It is too hard. You might be tight that we might be looming at it from the wrong angle, but I didn't want to try a different angle today so thank you for getting that without me having to say it. What I did do was good enough for me, for now. The other bit is, as you say, too hard at the moment.

I don't know what to make of what you said about most people finding the feeling and express of worry, in a situation like that, normal, but that it isn't for me. It isn't. I was genuinely surprised to hear that from the other person. You said that things that are ordinary for other people just seem so alien to me, or something like that. I get that I am not most people and I am not normal when it comes to these things, and I am glad that you notice now how weird this world is to me, but it also stung just a tiny bit that you recognised that I wasn't normal.

I do filter myself, a huge, huge amount. I can certainly try to notice the initial thoughts and try to practice sharing them but I think it will take a lot of work. I don't even realise that I am doing it half the time. I would love to be freer with my thoughts, impulsive maybe, but I also know that my reserved nature is there to protect me. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. To say the right thing. To do the best. To be as accommodating as possible, etc etc etc. I wish I could be free of myself sometimes and just live.

I am so pleased that I managed to get through to you what I wanted to at the end. You make me laugh, the way you misinterpret what I want or what I am saying. You just try so hard, yet sometimes you are so far off that it is funny. I wish I could say something but I don't always, for lots of reasons. I like the spontaneity it brings. I like seeing where it will take us. I like you being actively involved in that way. I like interacting with you. I enjoyed looking at that thing today, but I am also glad that I managed to tell you what I actually meant.

The other side of the room just seems so far away that it is off limits. Remember when I first started I was scared to even pick up a pen from the caddy? Well now I know that it is OK, that I can rummage and sort and pick up and put back and use and drop and, well, anything really. I feel safe doing that.

Maybe I can get to the same stage with all of the things in the room? Maybe I will get to the stage where it feels OK, safe, to play and use and get and try and reject and, well, everything, all those other bits and pieces and toys and books and stuff. I need your help. I need you to hold my hand. I want you to hold my hand. I did a good thing writing that on the board today, as a sign for me to show you what I want. I think that it will help.

I don't want to feel like the other side of the room is off limits anymore. I think we will play on Friday. I know what I said I wanted to do but I think we need to play too. I wanted to today but we ran out of time, and that's OK, because we were doing good.

You really do give the best hugs in the world and I love you very much. You are my amazing, kind, wonderful, loving, caring, giving, compassionate, funny and patient therapist and I am so glad that I found you.