I wish we could help, or there was a magic wand we could wave and make all our friends here feel better. Healing is hard and a struggle, sometimes it looks bleak and you just don't know if you have the energy to fight another day. But we do, but maybe not fight so hard this day, take a little rest, but then gradually start the fight again with feeling better. Healing is not linear, It's a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes those valleys and peaks can be extreme, but we will come out of it and look for other healthy solutions. Can you call a crisis line and talk to someone?