If I call, I know they'll track me and put out a welfare check. I can't allow that. I can't be taken or go to the ER because life doesn't stop because I'm having a hard time. If I'm going to keep living, then I need to take care of life. If I'm not going to keep living, then what's the point of getting help if I don't want it?

It's messed up and I know that, but I can't stop thinking this way.