Hi, I've been reading some of the posts on here and I can relate to a lot of the posts. I can't help but reallize that I am the "bad" guy but I just can't figure out how to make the marriage work?

Our marriage started like five years ago, we have two children now. It is a strange story but I was suffering from depression and had a lot of self esteem issues when I dated my wife. To sum up the long story, I married my wife probably because I had low self-esteem at the time, I never truly figured out what I want in a marriage before marrying her. It was a mistake that I regret today, I feel stuck and just feel like living in jail.

My wife and I planned for a wedding a year in advance, we had dated for years. When the wedding got closer, I got cold feet and told my wife that we shouldn't get married, I don't think that I could love her the way that she should be treated, she should find someone who truly loved her. She cried so I felt bad about it and comforted her. She told me to leave or I'll feel terrible seeing her like that. I felt that she really cared about me, how could I leave someone who loved me like that. So, I stayed and comforted her, you can feel that she was so happy that I stayed. She said that we should proceed with the marriage, and we'll figure it out as we go. Oh man, that is the worst thing to do right? Did I also tell you that I was also in love with another girl when I dated my wife, that's why I told her we shouldn't get married. I wanted to find that girl to ask her out before I get married but I couldn't find her so I settled for my current wife.

So fast forward 5 years later, we have two beautiful daughters. I have never forgotten the girl that I fell for 5 years ago. Throughout the marriage I would get flashbacks of her when I slow danced with her. Our chemistry was off the chart, I remembered she was so nervous and so was I, and we clearly had a crush for each other now that I look back on it. She also tried to talk to me during an event but I was with my girlfriend so I couldn't do much.

Throughout the marriage I think about her but never really thought much more of it. Until the last two weeks, I found out that she is in a relationship and I am assume they will get married next year or two. I am overwhelmed with jealousy. I fell into deep depression and feel like I drew the short straw in life. I feel like my wife took what little happiness I would have felt if I pursued the girl that I loved. I feel like the biggest loser in life, married to someone who I don't love while some dude is with someone who I truly love. It is just the most horrific feeling ever, noone should ever be in this situation, ever. I often wake up from nightmares hurt, jealous, mad, and sad that the one I loved isn't beside me. If only we could turn back time...

So, my wife is a lovely person, she cares about people, cares about me and takes care of me the best she can. We don't argue and yell at each other except a couple times but it was never yelling. She would take care of the chores around the house like laundry and I am the breadwinner. I pay for pretty much everything in the household. She and I lack intelligent connection, in fact, I feel as if she is inferior to me. I don't respect her thought process about anything. She has the old wives tale knowledge passed on to her by her mom. I don't like anything about her mom, I often thought to myself that if she turned out to be like her mom, I'll just have to kill myself. I cannot live with someone who is so dumb and arrogant.

She's a good person and she cares about me but I don't feel any love or connection with her. She is like my children's caretaker. I feel really bad about it though because she needs my support in every way, she cannot even fill out a doctor's form without my help. So, you can tell how much help she needs from me. At one point she couldn't even fill up gas in her car, I always had to do it or her family had to do it. She works part time but it is just to get by and buy food and gas. I feel drained from the relationship, I want someone who I can trust and ask for opinions and advice. I need someone who I am attracted to emotionally and physically. She was the first real relationship that I had and I never figured out what I wanted in a relationship. I often feel annoyed around her, like I would think to myself, please don't say or do nothing stupid for once.

Our sex life is nonexistence. After our marriage we had sex every couple months, then it became once a year, and now it is approaching two years. I come home from work and immediately go my room and sit on the computer. I have told her about my issues a few years ago, how I don't have any feelings for her and she wept and sank into a deep hole. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. She said give to her a time to improve herself because she was so needy, she needed help with everything. It has been over 3 years and I've basically shut down, I don't even tell her how I feel about her anymore, it is useless, it doesn't change anything and only makes things worse. I don't share what I accomplish at work or life. I don't share my problems or experiences. I know that she cares about me deeply but I don't know how to communicate to her anymore I guess. I just say a few words and she finds that she can text me about her feelings. But I also barely text back because it is useless.

I may have inherited some communication issues from my dad. My dad talks to my mom but he and I don't say one word. We live in the same house but we act like there is a wall between us, we don't ever talk or look at each other. My dad has never taught me anything useful about life, women, marriage or trials of life. My mom has tried to talk to me but I suffer from severe depression so I also block her out. Needless to say I've learned to listen and learn because there are so much I don't know either.

So, there is clearly an issue in this marriage. I am contacting a psychiatrist to get some help and treatment and probably severe depression, anxiety and mood medications. I have to figure out what I am supposed to do with out marriage because it has reached a boiling point and it is begining to really affect my work. It's so hard to concentrate when all you think about all day is how I missed out and how my marriage sucks. Do you think this marriage is able to be saved? Am I the one who's ruining the marriage? I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, I feel trapped and screwed. I also fear the lonliness if we break up, I don't have any friends or secret lovers that I can run to. I've truly played the game of life and lost big time.