I had a nightmare that I was so psychotic that I couldn't even recognize my family and no one seemed to know/care. That I seriously couldn't tell fiction from reality and didn't know fantasy from reality. To the point that I truly was mixing the two together. I don't want become like that but I'm slipping.

I'm sure (but logically I know it's not true) my husband is plotting against me or hiding things. What if he's trying to hospitalize me? That's not fair I haven't said anything that would make that happen. I feel people are talking about us. People want to hurt me even thou I know it's not true. It feels like someone's behind me all the time, no one is there, my husband and T know this one. It's so bad I wont shower without all the doors locked including the bedroom and bathroom and my husband and dog have to be awake in the bedroom to "keep watch". Currently my husband thinks I lock the doors so my son doesn't come in and I like taking showers when everyone's in bed. I think all these things and more but know they're not true.

Then there's the part of me rooting for me to hurt myself (and badly). I'm trying to convince myself that it's a horrible idea but only time will tell if I convince myself to do it. If I do hurt myself badly then I'll be hospitalized and I don't like that idea.

Then there's the feelings of bugs on me. Which I hate but will get use to.
I feel like I handled this so much better before AP's and I'll learn to do better but I guess I am doing good because no one notices but I can be out of my mind and no one notices until I hurt myself. I guess I'm good at hiding it.

Worse my temp pdoc hasn't called me back! My husband called again this morning for me. I need to know whether I can start the abilify pill again or if I have to wait or take a smaller dose until the shot is out of my system. I only have a week before I see him but I can get bad fast.

IDK what to do any help would be appreciated.