So this sounds stupid but I have no clue how I am feeling anymore.
Every time I start to feel better and think this depression is gone for good something small happens that sets me off. I couldn't find my cheese grater yesterday and I freaked out- screaming and asking the universe "why does EVERYTHING have to be so fuucking hard?!"
Nothing is ever just easy and goes my way. Then I went from screaming to crying and was about to throw all my cheese in the trash or curl up and wait to die or something ridiculous. I know it is totally irrational behavior (and kind of funny in hindsight) but it's like I am feeling stable and pretty okay but I must be balanced on a thin tightrope because a single little thing going wrong destroys me. Ugh.

Sorry if this is post is pointless and self indulgent. I don't even know why I am writing this. Perhaps I just need to rant a little?? It's just my T keeeps saying that i seem better to her, more engaged, than last year but I feel like a dam train wreck.
And for the life of me, I can't figure out which Smiley face emotion to pick for my mood because I feel none of them or all of them or like I can't hold onto any one for long. I don't know what the hell I am trying to say. I am really sick and tired of always being on here and being a mess. I want to be one of those wise forum members who is a voice of reason. I want to be a PC yoda. "Do or do not. There is no try"...

AnywAy its perfectly fine if you decide to skip this post and respond to one of the more Interesting and compellIng ones. I sort of want to delete this all but figure it will soon disappear to page 2 which is sort of the same thing.
If anyone does feel so inclined to read this and respond- have you ever had trouble identifying how you were feeling? What do you to deal with this feeling of uncertainty?

I don't know if I even really want to know. Everything that happens to me is not some symptom or side effect and I hate that I keep trying to explain all of my fuucked upedness in terms of a mood disorder instead of just accepting and dealing with whatever mood or emotion life decides to throw at me.
I just want to feel like me again even if only for a little while... Well no that's a lie- I want to feel good all the time. I am greedy and maybe I want more than my fair share of happiness? Idk.
Life score: Universe 3, naynay 0.5