Lately, for a few reasons, I've been struggling emotionally. It seems that I don't like expressing emotion about things I can't change. Instead, Ive been holding it inside where it shreds my body and then makes its way to my thoughts and stability.

I feel I have a well of tears to cry, but they don't come. I don't know what to cry for. I want to cry for my mother, but she abandoned me and my family a year ago, so I feel it's not "deserved." I want to cry for her sickness, but she insists its me with the problem; as her child, I somehow believe her, plus I feel so upset, it's easy to believe there is something wrong with me. I want to cry for the lost connection, but I recognize it was unhealthy. I can cry that I no longer have a mother in my life, despite the many more years she will likely live. I could text and say I love her, but I would probably have a heart attack...also it seems that she doesn't love me, even though she claims to. I'm not sure how to feel about her. Did we ever have real love?

Just writing the above, I felt my tears dry up...and anger move in. I have suppressed rage as well. Some things she said to me...

It must be the time of year...one year since I gave an ultimatum. She walked the other way kicking and screaming. She chose the dangerous person who hurt my child, yet said it is me she is afraid of. It's makes me believe I'm a bad person, who not even a mother can love. It makes me think I have things all wrong, because she told me I do (screamed it). I want to believe the things she tells me..I am persuaded by her outbursts and threats. It's true I was making her crazy, because I was telling the truth; yet, she says its because it's lies.

I suppose its frightening and frustrating and worthy of grief. I guess I'm still trying to process what happened. I miss feeling happy.