Well, my T finally feels she understands me a bit more. I have share my time with a student watching me (which freaks me out a bit) and the student was missing this time - so according to her i was "More clear today". But there is a lot fo vagueness in my life and she wants therapy to be really clear and specific. We both have the understanding that this will be difficult and riddled with emotion for me. I stopped making plans over a decade ago because they always either fell through or were sabotaged by family members.... if i did manage to susceed the family took credit for it. They were involved in everything - nothing was just solely mine to do, have, enjoy, or be proud of. Thus, I am realizing today, I am directionless - that way no one can mess it up, take it from me, or sabotage it. I am finally feeling less irritable about the subject and seeing that I do need to do some work in this area. I'm willing to give it a go.... but i am also nervous. Part of the problem is that I just don't care for anything. I don't feel i have enough skills or talent in any one thing to make a career out of, and dealing with constant triggers is a big problem, too. I want to work from home (partly because i paint, but part because there are no triggers in my house). But i have a hard time "selling" myself (my art) - I like it, but i think it sucks and isn't good enough, and also, i've already been "sold" by my family abusively in various forms and my primary abuser (aka dad) has always made sure i know i'm a slut....
I know i spend a lot of time counter-sabotaging my own efforts by trying to be an artist and also trying to fly under the radar and be invisible.
It will be interesting, to say the least.