Dear T,

Thank you for the shoulder. Thank you for noticing, I think, and for holding on tight. Thank you for the work we have done getting to this stage. At least this time you didn't presume that I had fallen asleep. Honestly, if I ever do write a book about all of this then that is definitely going I there and you will be named and shamed!! I was trying to cry, not sleep!!!

Anyway, thanks. For being there for me, for thinking of me, for being proud of me, for listening and understanding and seeing how this all is for me. It is so incredibly confusing sometimes.

I get that there are layers and I also get that this person may not be on the level that I want. Not yet, anyway. At this moment in time I don't think that anyone ever will be, and that is what made me sad.

I was pleased you got new pens, and that you thought of me to get them! I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to leave mine there for other people to use. (Only because the kids might ruin them) It's OK to be selfish like that, isn't it?

I am glad that I got all of that out and that I have left a lot of it there with you. I know you can hold it for me. I trust you can hold it for me while I just let things be. I texted this person, just on the surface stuff. If she doesn't want me to go deep then that's fine, but she can't have it half and half. Stubborn? Yes. Spiteful? Probably. But it is what I need to do right now. I need to hold on to myself and I can't do that if I give things away here and there. I can hold on and give it all away or hold on and give nothing away but not in the middle. Not now. Not yet. If she wants to not rush then that's fine. Well, OK, no it isn't fine, but it is acceptable, she just has no idea what my version of slow looks like. Haha.

Thanks for being you. I love you.