I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. It's not you....it's your mother. Don't let her hang that on you. She made poor choices and walked away. There is nothing wrong with you. The rage you feel is valid and when the tears do come, they will be valid as well. I feel the pain in your message and I am so sorry for that. Can you hold on to the positive things that you do have in your life? I'm here if you need to talk.