WARNING - DARK VENT
I feel hatred is the right path, otherwise people wouldn't be hating. It is the right path for mental health, otherwise people wouldn't be judgmental. Releasing anger, regardless of whom is involved, is healthy for you, just like my father did all over the years, and my mother never did anything about it.
I feel if you can't get married and have children, there's something horribly wrong with you. I feel you have to be perfect in order to get married. Oh, and why would I enter a relationship if there's a chance of a sudden breakup occurring and crappy people telling you to move on when you just want to understand why this all happened (first relationship disaster).
I find myself highly influenced by men, highly unfortunately. It can even reach my own thoughts and views. I am a follower, even in mind and heart, and I despise myself for it. I'm a man too, by the way.
So if said men tell me to "calm down", deep down I question myself allot and suspect myself. I never blame them. I wasn't even expressing anger at those moments when they told me to calm down.
Quote:
One is a friend who frequently tells me what to do and not to do, such as when driving to the cinema or when we replaced my car's wheel.
I don't release anger but it's mostly held inside. He further instructed and insisted on something and I told him that it's ok. He told me to calm down and I told him back to calm down with making a big deal out of small things.
It could be my depression, but I HATE! it when people make a big deal of small things, especially when it's over and over like that friend was doing.
That's why I eventually insisted that he not criticize me over small things because it annoys me.
Another is a pharmacist under whom I work as an assistant, among other pharmacists in each shift. I went to close his register and didn't look at his screen to see he's performing a bill. He told me to hold it and to "calm down". He's a pharmacist I kind of despise because he's driven by anger and I have problems dealing with other people's anger.
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Why can't I be someone who blames and hurts others like they do? I think it would be better for my mental health to blame others as they do. Otherwise they wouldn't have been doing that.
It's always the "rough douchebags" who turn from bad to good after they've learned their lesson who get recognition, or perhaps be seen for their goods because they've already shown their bads. Just like someone who was your friend and used you to consume self-esteem, and now seems like a mature person once he got a girlfriend. And that's after he severely lowered my self-esteem about relationships.
That's why I wish I could hurt others... hurt those mother****ers. I want to murder my father.
I'm thinking of killing myself and hopefully restarting in a better home