I know my mother was emotionally abusive but after reading an article on covert sexual abuse I'm wondering whether this is something she also did? I've had my suspicions for many years but dismissed it as me being overly sensitive.
She was frequently naked around me even when I got older and encouraged me to be 'free' also saying it was funny and natural.
She told me sexual things as a child/teenager such as the time a friend of her mothers put his penis in her hand. She would often repeat this story.
In order to alienate me from my father she told me the sexual requests he made of her such as to start swinging, that he said anything sexual was ok, which she took to mean even children, that she was frequently raped by him as she was too scared to say no, that I told her as a small child I saw his penis in the park (which I have no memory of), that he and all men were sexually screwed up so that's why she became celibate. My father never abused me and I'm convinced of this, I have a great relationship with him.
That her first husband was gay and having an affair with his best friend and that his sister was abusing him.
I felt 'sick' when I had to hug her and avoided it as much as possible. I became very OCD about sexual abuse (not surprising really) and was paranoid she was trying to touch me or even 'breathe' on my body parts. I don't think she did touch me but the fear was a 'what if' fear.
Unfortunately my first sexual experience was rape from a 'friend' and I developed vulvodynia (vulva pain) and vaginismus (involuntary tensing of pelvic floor muscles making penetration painful) but I believe these conditions are also rooted in my childhood and the things my mother was saying to me about sex.
Thank you for reading