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May 05, 2017, 08:00 PM
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Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 38
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“It's surprising how drunk it makes you feel
To go around this way in this silly circus,
A void in your tummy and an ache in your head,
Queasy in the thick of it and happy in the crowd.” –Paul Verlaine
This part of Verlaine’s poem came to mind as I sat in the drive thru today and the epiphany (I guess you can call it that) rose above the surface of my churning mind like a delicate, iridescent soap bubble. (Musings at a Sonic Drive-thru).  After about two or three days of being at the bottom of the well, I seem to be rising like some billowing cloud to a wondrously blue sky.
I know everyone knows this, but depression and mania are very traumatic (putting it mildly) for the wallet. With depression, I want (no, I need) something to bring relief, to dissolve the taut and painful knot threatening to undo my soul. So I start to buy things that I think will bring some joy or happiness and slice through the emotional Gordian knot. With mania, everything is whimsy. I have the funds, and I feel so good, so I spread the love. There are so many things I want to buy, either for myself or someone else, and the fact that the money is limited or there will be ramifications for my actions become inconsequential. When my brother was younger and before we knew what was happening to me, he happily jumped on the train because it was a windfall for him, especially with the mania. I’ve rewound the mental DVR for the past few weeks and I see that the pendulum has made some hard swings back and forth. Each direction has its cost. I guess it may be good that I don’t care for casinos?
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