Hi,

I read in this forun somewhere that everyone has skeletons in the cupboard. I am no different. I've been battling with childhood issues for as longas I can remember and I'd like to start at the beginning and hope that I can receive support (which I badly need roght now) and some advise.

My parents married because of pregnancy. My Mother was 17 years older than my Father ( a good looking woman) but I was told she trapped him into marriage by becoming pregnant, with me. I think all his life he has resented me for that but I'm not sure. At the age of 7 years old I was suferring panic attacks. I grew up in an environment that was always tense and my father was a control freak and he still is. My mother was very timid and she would always do what he wanted. I remember him physically and verbally abusing me. Making me feel like [censored] basically. He worked all over the country and I was moved from school to school. I feel my life has been one big joke. There were times when we we became closer but only if I towed the line. I continued to be nervous and an anxiety ridden person and slowly over the years I resented him. He is a very self-opinionated man, pompous, selfish and highly critical of others. Only he could do things right. Throughout my twenties I became wild and drank heavily, I dont even know why but I couldn't cope with life. Six years ago my mother died of cancer, he told the family that she mustnt be told because she was also a very anxious person and couldn't deal with much. After my mother died I invited him into my home and cooked him his meals. At the same time I had my friend staying here because she'd ben having marital difficulties and needed a place to stay. Anyway, cuting a long story short, she is now living with my father and in a relationship. From then on things got worse between me and my father and we became estranged. I just couldn't cope anymore. I couldn't cope with the way he behaved towards me and others. He was fine and polite when I kept quiet and agreed with everything he said. As soon as I opend my mouth and disagreed with something he said, he'd make me feel small. I had that all my life Two years ago I found out he was dying of Prostrate cancer. I was upset to hear this because despite everything...he is my father and I do love him. He has told my siblings that if hes in hospital or sick that I am not to be told.

Three days ago he was taken into hospital with kidney failure. I only found out because his girlfriend told me and thought I should know, and I'm very grateful to her. My sister tried to persuade his girlfriend not to tell me as she pointed out that his wishes should be respected. I had spoken to her oin the phone days before and she knew all along he was in hospital and never told me. I was so angry with her and terribly hurt and felt betrayed. Although my father doesnt want me to know, there were other ways she could have dealt with this, I know I would have told her if I had been in her situation. So, I've had two really stressful days and I'm siting her feeling really anxious and hurt. I've been hurt all my life. I dont feel loved, not by anyone except for my beautiful children. I'm sick of people hurting me and I wish I could be stronger. I dont know how to deal with this present situation and I dont know how to deal with my life anymore. I'm 42 years old and I'm still made to feel like a child.

Thanks for listening.


Gez