Don't get me wrong, I can socialize… I am shy, but am capable of approaching people and can be really quite charming. I can make friends / pleasant talk with strangers easily when I'm in a good mood.

The real problem is that I can't sustain a relationship, or have one with a deep connection. I know I will never have a real friendship or healthy/genuine romantic relationship because of it. You're right that part of me thinks I'm not likable or that I'm unworthy of friends.

You're right, too, that I probably would only get a sense of deep connection from parents or spouses or pet… I worry that maybe I'm volatile because I'm looking for too deep of a connection. But I always feel alone, and that no one knows me. (Of course, I doubt anyone can really be known 100% by another person, but no one knows anything very personal about me, and if I try to open up, the story I tell them jars so badly with what they do know about me that they don't believe me or the conversation remains on a superficial level despite my attempt to confess. It is then that I have the capacity to become cold, wrap up the conversation, and leave.)

So, maybe I'm simply looking for too deep of a connection. Maybe what I'm experiencing is normal. I worry that I'm looking for a parental figure to sort of make up for a deprived childhood. Of course, I know that would never happen because I'm a piece of ****.

I burned two friendships down tonight in one sitting. You know, case closed. I don't really want to talk about it now. I just know I'm a terrible person. I lure people in because I'm charming and, for a lack of a better word, kind of cool and socially I can be very dominant, but I can't truly be that person for a prolonged period of time. It's too difficult for me because every night I go home and I am just a worthless nobody. I just wish someone could be strong for me, or be the leader in the relationship because I can't.

And what you said about what a bad person is… I am one. I was so mean to my parents (because of societal standards that I won't go into) that they snapped and were mean to me. Neglect turned into abuse. I deserved every minute of it. I deserved all of it, so was it that bad after all? I caused it. In fact I think I caused most of my family's dysfunction just by being born. And when I was old enough to act, I made things go steadily downhill. And I was stubborn so I didn't change. I brought it down on myself.

You're right. I don't love myself. I am a piece of **** and the only thing I am worthy of trying to live for is my career, which will hopefully be very successful to get me out of my worthless mediocrity. I have a good internship lined up for the summer and my last semester of college, so I will live for that. And then I'll try to find a job. And I'll live for that. There are no people in my life. I don't deserve to live, no less have a friend.

I'm very sorry. I suppose I just want a friend that I can be genuine with. I know they aren't my counselor (or do I? I was expected to be there emotionally for my mother and when I wasn't, all hell would break loose. Maybe I'm turning into her). Maybe there is no true friendship.

Thank you for taking the time to go through my previous post so thoroughly. I hope I didn't scare you off. I'm very sorry for this long post, and I hope that one day I can try to love myself but I don't think that's a possibility. What would it even look like to love myself? It's not like I'm especially cruel to myself… I dress relatively nicely, I try to do well for myself….