emptynightmare,

No need to apologize for the length of the post. I asked you for several responses - which meant a long post ❤. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

You sound very similar to how I once was.

You blame yourself for abuse. You know why you do that? Because while you were being abused you were told time and time again "it's your fault", "if you would just so this instead of that", "if you would only stop doing that", "if you would only listen to me" and given the "promise" that if you met those "if's" - things would not be this way. No matter what you did though, it was never good enough - the requirements just changed.

Ex. "If you would only let me speak when I am talking so"... You learn to be quiet when they are talking. Then they say "If you would only wait til you are spoken to, before you speak." Then you get that down but then it changes completely. "If you would only listen to me when I ask you to do something."

These may or may not have been statements made to you by your parents. But I can tell you with great certainty something similar at least was said .. and that you also went through small periods of time when everything seemed "normal" .. just to have it go sour again and told it's all your fault again.

It wasn't.

It wasn't then. And it isn't now. You are not the bad person you think you are - you are just an injured person. It's ok to be injured. Injuries can be repaired. Some take longer to mend than others - but they can mend. ❤

You ask what loving yourself would look like. It's not about the clothes you wear or how many smiles you fake. Loving yourself has to do with being able to look at or think of yourself and think "yeah, I've done my best. I've made mistakes along the way, but I'm learning how to not make those anymore and I am growing. I can see how far I've come from what I was - and it makes me happy to see all those changes and all the things I am doing now. I'm proud to be me, there's no other person I'd rather be." When you are able to feel that - it's like an invisible armor. When people try to make you feel like crap, you know it's just being deflected from you and placed back on them. I'm not saying ir's not possible to damage that armor - it is, but, it's generally easier to get it repaired once you have it put in place the first time. You never got a chance to learn it. Parents are supposed to teach their kids stuff like that. Yours didn't. You can still do it though- if you want to and if you set your heart and mind to it.

It is understandable you want a parental figure/role model in your life. You never had that. The problem is - now, you are going to have to be the parental figure to yourself you always wanted. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself room to grow. Buy teddybears or whatever you need to so when you need to cry and feel like someone is holding you - you can. Hug yourself from time to time just to remind yourself you are important and special too. When really nice things happen in your life - celebrate them. Do the things you would want a parent to do. Tell yourself you are loved.

When you do make a friend, it's ok to tell them about yourself but its best to do it a little at a time. Both for them and yourself. Some people go around telling others everything they know. You don't want everyone know everything about you, right? So tell them a little bit, see if they tell it to others or not - if not, tell a bit more. Watch to see if they tell that. Keep doing the same. It allows you to feel more secure with them and allows them to not be "shell shocked" ... they are able to get used to it slowly, like walking into cold water .. some people need to ease into it. Watch to see their reactions on each peice of new information, if they appear really shocked, give them a bit more time to get used to it. If they are accepting of it - you can tell them the next bit when you are comfortable knowing they won't tell it. In a true friendship nobody really needs to be dominant (that thought comes from all the abuse you had), because both are equals. There for one another when needed. Have fun with one another. Talk to each other. Sometimes arguments will happen - but will be resolved on equal ground, not by commands. Friends can come and go as they please though too, not like in a relationship. Friendships can be a beautiful thing, but only if done in a fashion both are comfortable with.

❤