My wife and I rarely fight. We're both too passive aggressive for that. Instead we internalize, pout, throw nasty looks and ignore each other. Ironically, I think at certain times we pat ourselves on the back for not being at each other's throats. Not anymore.

We just got done fighting and I feel horrible. Not sad. Just empty and hopeless. Now I'm sitting in the living room with my cat Ferris. This is where we'll both be sleeping tonight. I'm sure right now my wife is nursing our youngest and sobbing in our bed and there's nothing I can do. Pandora's box was opened and the evil came pouring out.

It was a long, busy day for me. Working all day can wear anybody out but then I was stuck in a three hour commute due to the snow. I came in the door after eight and I said hi to each of my kids, kissed my wife, took a shower and made myself something to eat. I was exhausted and my four year old wanted me to play video games. I couldn't face it so I said that daddy just needed to chill for awhile.

And God I did. But my wife needed to clean the kitchen and the baby was crying so instead of chilling out for a bit, I was stuck trying to comfort a screaming infant. With each passing minute I got more and more angry. He wanted Mom and Mom's been on vacation all week. Sure she was with the kids but it was nine at night and Dad still just needed a bit of time and she could sure as hell hear the kid crying.

When she finally finished and took him to feed him I came on PC. I just wanted to zone out with you all for awhile. But apparently I was on too long and the kids needed to be tucked in and I didn't get off the computer quickly enough.

My wife stopped talking to me. She didn't say why, she just stomped around, brushing past me with an accusing look on her face. All I could think was %#@&#! you too. We got the baby in his pajamas and I held him while she went through her bathroom routine. When she came into our bedroom she still had that same pinched, hostile face. She still wasn't talking.

I asked what the problem was and she laid into me about not playing with our kid when he asked and about how I spend too much time online and so on. I started calmly explaining that I was just exhausted from work and driving in the storm but this wasn't good enough. Her list of complaints continued.

Images from my day flickered through my head like the flash frames of a horror film. When could I have done more? Where wasn't I giving what I could? And here she was chewing me out, her eyes welling up with tears that just didn't make sense to me. Anguish and hurt and frustration welled up inside me and suddenly...I exploded.

Not loud but the anger was there. So was the hate and the sarcasm. It flowed out of me like bile. I told her that "I give up." Day in and day out I'd given all I could and that I had nothing left. So congratulations for being a better person than me but I still had nothing else to give.

She wasn't expecting this. She became quiet and hurt but I had now built up %#@&#! momentum. Uncorked and my screws loose, I just couldn't shut up. I proceeded to tell her how she doesn't notice what anyone else in the house is doing or going through. How she didn't appreciate %#@&#! but still climbed up on her %#@&#! cross whenever she got overwhelmed. I explained that I was the one who played with the kids instead of just bossing them around. I did every bit as much around the house and I asked for nothing in return, not even sex. I told her that she was a hundred times more self involved than she thinks and I'd had enough. "I'll be on the %#@&#! couch," was my clever ending.

And so here I am, on the couch, realizing that I meant the things I'd said. And feeling terribly unappreciated. After all, how many guys clean the kitchen or make dinner or put the kids to bed or give them baths? How many shrug and say ok when turned down for sex the majority of the time? And how many do this with my problems?

And if I'm wrong and this is what everyone does, then I guess I'm just not up to it.

I'm also feeling like I haven't been in love with my wife for some time. It's like a partnership in a company where we raise kids. We're coworkers. And then I feel guilty for saying that because I do feel this tenderness for her that's kind of broken and sad.

I don't know. I'm just feeling like I'm all out of stoicism. I come in dead last in the priority list of everyone I know and I can't do it anymore. I feel like everyone wants something from me and if anything, that feeling alone will be my undoing.

Cyran0