I think this is more productive because what you are doing here is describing what was, and that you were also bored with it (so was she). It's also good that you have recognized that perhaps you are too controlling, that's important.

I doubt she is sleeping/having sex with this other man who is married. I bet that what she likes is how he engages her intellectually which I bet you don't and didn't which can happen when a marriage turns into the couple just being room mates. Also, it's not bad that she is spending time with friends or going out with friends. This is something she needed and it's stimulating her. If a woman is stuck being an at home mom, after a while that gets boring.

I think, as I have mentioned that what your wife is saying the most is "I am NOT going back, I want to have a life too, and I want to have a career and my friends that keep me "in the world" and I don't want to just be a wife and mother with a controlling husband.

I think it's important that you think about the conversations you typically had with her too. How was conversation different when you began having that online relationship? Your wife is spending time having lots of "talks/conversations" with this married man. I don't think she loves him or even wants to engage in sex, what she loves is the conversation and her feeling free to have that.

What are you pursuing now with her, what she will or will not do because "you" don't want to struggle emotionally not knowing right? Well, maybe she loves you but is bored with you. Couples that "play" together stay together, your being roomates was not "playing" together.