My response may be triggering/upsetting to the original poster and others, and I apologize for that.

The story about "Santa" coming and what he did & said was hard for me to read, and I feel strong support for the person who had the courage to share it.

Though I have only vague memories of my own sexual abuse, I think that some things very similar must have happened to me. I am terribly ashamed to say that reading the post brought up sexual feelings for me. I didn't want it to, I didn't like it or "get off" on it, but involuntarily I felt my body respond by getting somewhat turned on as I read. It feels so sick. I HATE that fear & sexuality have gotten all entwined in me; I HATE it that in my sexual fantasies domination & exploitation ( with me as a chlld or in some other helpless, dependent situation) are the only thing that brings me to orgasm. It's like those old feelings of fear & helplessness (which were NOT at all sexually arousing at the time) have gotten connected to adult feelings of sexual pleasure. Yuck. Does anyone else who's been abused have this issue? I feel so ashamed about it. I'd like to have healthy fantasies, a healthy sex life, in which my fantasies are based in love & trust & happy excitation, instead of fear.

Therapists have told me not to worry, that it doesn't mean I want (or ever wanted) that kind of abuse -- but that my childhood experiences "wired" me that way sexually and this kind of deep wiring is hard to change. I have never been successful in changing it. I hope no one is disgusted by what I'm saying. I feel disgusted myself. Has anyone else here experienced this kind of problem; has anyone been able to change it or found any acceptance of it? Please respond if so...