Gez,
Here's a hug and some support. It's tough when the ones who should care the most seem to care the least. All I can say is shame on your father. He seems like a very selfish man. You shouldn't have to "tow the line" to have the love and respect of your father. I haven't spoken to my father in 3 years. I dont' miss him. I don't like him. He has never been a father to me in a kind nuturing way and has hurt me deeply. I decided one day that as much as I would like things to be...well normal for a lack of words, they never will be and I don't need to put in 100% to get back nothing. It still hurts cause I wish I had a dad.
It must hurt tremendously to know he doesn't want you at the hospital or to know he's sick. You said he was a control freak and I have to wonder if this isn't just another way for him to be just that. I can see no excuse for him to push you away like this and for other family members to back him up on it. IT's shameful that he would hurt you this way and on purpose.
Your mother may have trapped your father into marriage because she was pregnant, it has happened before BUT that doesn't make you any less of a person. You are still just as important and as good as anyone else. It wasn't your choice that your mother decided to do that and it wasn't your choice that you father married her or stayed in a relationship that he was unhappy in. It was his choice to be a lousy husband and a controlling, uncaring father. Don't take blame for his inabilities. It is not your fault.
It must also be very hard to see your father in a relationship with your friend. Again, if that caused problems between you and your father it is not on you. He made a choice once again to do something without thinking or caring how it would affect you. There are some lines you do not cross, I believe this to be one of them. You shouldn't need to cope with his decisions. He is only thinking of himself and his needs.
I look at it this way with my father. He was and is not a father, I do not need to be a daughter. I know it's hard because there is this bond with family that is always there and I wish things were different but the are not. I don't need someone in my life who only hurts me and makes me feel bad about myself. I am worth more than that. I am better than that. I know you are too.
There is a passage in the bible that says something like "a child pays for the fathers sins". I didn't get that for a long time. I thought it meant if dad was a sinner I was going to hell. NOT fair. Then I realized that this is how we pay. With hurt and broken hearts.
I hope you can find a place someday where you KNOW that your worth is not based on what your father does, feels or is. You are your own person and despite how he has treated you, you can rise above that and be your own person.
I am sorry you are hurting and I am sorry you aren't feeling loved. You do have your children and I know thier love is the best love. Hang on to that right now.
Hugs,
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley