I'm sorry that you have lost your mother, especially at such a young age. It's never easy, but I think it must feel very alone when you haven't established a home of your own with someone who cares for you to lose the person who probably cared for you the most.

At your age, I had dropped out of college and wasn't managing to hold a job for long. I remember my father being kind of disgusted with me. But he left it up to me to figure out what I was going to do, and didn't threaten to eject me from the house. Not that the home atmospere was real warm all the time. It's pretty common for a person your age to not have a clear direction to go in.

What is the thing that you want that you say is now unattainable? Was it attainable in the past? It sounds like you've had some other major loss in your life besides the passing of your mother. Sometimes too much goes wrong at the same time, and our capacity to cope can get overwhelmed.