Thank you all for your words. I just wish you all the best in return. As for me... i'm not sure what i'm going to do. Don't have the money to pay the collection or to file bankruptcy, which i find really messed up that it cost so damn much to try and make a person's financial a little better. Since writing i've slept maybe an average of 3 hours a night because every time i close my eyes i see the same dream of losing everything and everyone. I can tell i've not been eating because there is actually left overs and food in the fridge that i would normally take for my lunches at work. the only good is evidently i live in a state where the collection judgement can only take a max of 20% of my income or 346, whichever is less. Also found out that my job can't fire me over this mess up... but i could see them finding other reasons to get rid of me if they really wanted to of which does not include any substance use like majority of the workers but they could bring up all the time i've called in because either "i was sick" or "my kids are sick." My parents, specifically my mom, has been trying to get out of my wife what is going on with me since she can tell i'm not myself. I'm not sure what my wife has told her and i honestly don't really care anymore because nothing they can do about it other than give me the "i'm sorry we can't save you this time" look. I just feel like a screw up over everything and honestly debate if it wouldn't of been a wise choice for my wife to take herself and kids away with a divorce to save them from my mistakes. I want a damn drink until i feel nothing anymore but i can't because i don't like the taste and feel of alcohol. Once again don't mind me. Been awake way to long watching my daughters sleep in one room while my son and wife sleep in the other bedroom and... ya. No the following statement is not meant to get into a debate on religion or theology. if there truly is a higher being, i'd like to know what the hell the point of this is suppose to be teaching me. I know i've had a past that should of landed me in jail or worse but i watch people who have done worse use what they know to get ahead while i can't let myself anymore use what i did in the past and now i guess i have to pay for the sin's of who i use to be.... rambling once again because i've no one to talk to right now when i need someone....