Depressed-Fiance,

I've read through this thread and I have to say: your fiance is totally emotionally and psychologically abusing you to meet her own dysfunctional emotional and psychological needs.

The rational approach that you've taken to address the relationship concerns with your fiance, such as couples counseling and face-to-face communication that is loving and supportive...have been rejected by her. That would be enough of a red flag for me to say, "well, that was 2 years of my life, but I deserve better. Time to end this toxic relationship now." But that's me. This is your life.

I would never marry someone who treated me the way that your fiance has treated you. She loved bombed you for the first year of your 2 year relationship, because that's what narcissists will do to their victims. Love bombing is a manipulation technique by the dominant personality in the relationship, who wants 100% control over the other person they deem to be more vulnerable, weaker, and not as important as far as having their needs met.

The Love Bombing will always be in the beginning of a relationship, and will cease immediately once the person doing the love bombing, has their partner exactly where they want them; beaten down, second-guessing their own choices with themselves and with the other person in the relationship, someone who is now the codependent person, whose needs are an option and no longer a priority to their partner.

It's the classic narcissist and codependent pattern.

Narcissists are NEVER wrong (in their mind). They always blame their partner, for their own mistakes. You will never get the narcissist to see your point of view, because your point of view isn't important to them.

The narcissist's version of empathy is self-motivated; they always have an ulterior motive with any empathy they show their partner. It's because they are preoccupied with their own needs, fears, concerns, that they can't show true empathy to their partner.

Their needs always take precedence over their partner's. Doesn't matter what their partner's needs are; the narcissist's needs will always be the priority for them. Forget about negotiating your needs with a narcissist, they'll just deflect and gaslight you for daring to ask for
them to compromise with you, to meet your needs too.

Conversations with narcissists are always one sided. They will feign interest in your life's hobbies, etc. in the beginning of the relationship with you (aka Love Bombing), but then you will quickly discover a pattern, where they always hijack the conversation back to themselves, when you are trying to discuss your life and your interests with them. They will barely acknowledge your side, and juxtapose the conversation to themselves, to put them back in the spotlight. Does your fiance do that?

Finally, when you express your needs to the narcissist, they will be threatened by this, because "how dare you ask for your needs to be equal to or as important as." Does your fiance blow off your needs to her own? You wrote that she is kind and loving, yet what else you wrote, makes her out to be someone who emotionally and psychologically abuses you. And, your intuition is telling you to cancel the wedding.

My advice to you: listen to your intuition. and cancel the wedding, and break up with this woman. Don't let anyone influence you, against what your intuition's telling you. We have intuition to guide us. When we ignore our intuition, bad things happen to us.

My cousin didn't listen to his intuition about his first wife, when he was in your shoes, and went ahead with his marriage anyway, with his first wife, that was a total disaster and forced him to lose everything dear to him (his job, his apartment, his friends), and move back in with his parents, while his ex-wife continued to stalk him and show up wherever he went. It took him years to get over that, until he met his second wife who was the total opposite; she wasn't a narcissist or someone with other psychological problems. They are happy together and have a child together. Had my cousin listened to his intuition, and not married his first wife, he would not have had to endure the misery that came with his first marriage and divorce.