I just read the memoir "My lovely wife in the psych ward" about a bipolar woman with psychosis (from her husband's p.o.v). Her illness sounds so intense and completely disabling. Her first depressive episode was 9 months! 9 months of severe suicidal depression! I can't even...

When I read stuff like this - books or even some posts on this forum - I always come away thinking I definitely do NOT have bipolar. I know that BP 2 is defined by the fact that someone doesn't experience full blown mania and psychosis, but I feel like my depressions don't really "fit" the diagnosis either (they are severe but short, anywhere from 2 days - 2 weeks or so). Sometimes I feel like the fact that I was diagnosed bp more than a decade ago influenced the next diagnosis of bp and the next and the next and so on and so forth - but what if it's all just been a big misunderstanding or over-exaggeration?

I feel like my diagnosis is totally unsettled and I can't move forward. Sometimes I get almost obsessed with BP, comparing myself to others who have it, reading stories about it, etc. It's not about denial or anything like that. I'm just not totally convinced, and maybe a tiny part of me worries that I actually subconsciously WANT to be bipolar (why??? so I have an excuse for my moods? I don't know). It's frustrating because the doctors I've seen don't share my skepticism, which only makes me more skeptical. I want to start from scratch with someone who doesn't know anything about my past diagnoses.