Dear T,

I wonder what I will bring tomorrow. There is a lot, and I know we can't cover it all in an hour. I don't know whether I will decide or just see what happens. My guess is that if I don't decide, nothing will get brought up because I will be (insert a word or feeling that I can't think of) by the fact that there is too much and I will see time slipping away.

Things on my list.

I want to give you a folded up piece of paper with the words "I love you" on it. To see how it feels giving this to you. To see how it feels you having that but not responding to it. To see if I trust that you won't open it.

I want to talk about my weight with you. It has always been an issue. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Always self conscious. Always a battle, a struggle. But, again, I have decided to do something about it, and I thought it might be useful to talk about this all with you.

I want to talk about the anger I have towards my school and the counsellors and doctors I had back then. I want to talk about how I feel they helped me destroy my life when they should have helped me repair it. I want to talk about the letter I want to write.

I want to show you the scrapbook I made of my life, all the pictures, all the (very few) memories. I want you to see all of the missing years. I want to be sad about all of the missing years and what that meant.

I want to show you the scrapbook of H and my holiday around the world, and the photos I have from when i was in the Navy. I want to show you a different side of me. I want you to see what I became, what I managed to achieve. You only see such a small part of me.

I want to talk about my 'friend' and the group I went to on Saturday. I want to tell you how it went. I want to show you that I am pleased. That I did it. That it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but also that I did ignore what had gone on, and so did she.

I want to talk about how up and down the weekend with H home was. I want to talk about how fed up I was at one point vs how happy I was at another. I want to share what I did on Sunday, something which I would have struggled to do before. I want to share how it was awkward but a step in a direction. (Not sure if it's the right direction for me or not yet).

I want to do another 'feelings' exercise. To get some of those words out in the open.

I want to get some more feeling words on that diagram. I want to move forwards in this area. I need this.

So yeah, lots and lots and lots to talk about, and right now I have no idea what I will actually bring. I just hope I can bring some of it, and that doing so doesn't lead to me being disconnected from you, because I don't like that.