This afternoon I saw my pdoc with every intention of asking him to change my meds yet again, but as I was driving there, I realized that changing my meds again wasn't going to help because the meds are not the problem.

My problem is really that about a year and a half ago, my husband and I got really, really drunk (we have both since stopped drinking - permanently) and one thing led to another and I pushed him across the room and knocked him down - at which time he came at me with his fists. This is really hard for me to even think about, much less tell the world on a forum, but I have to get this out. I'm going to try to not make a book out of it here.

When I was a kid, I was the family punching bag. That's not me feeling sorry for myself, that was my role in the dysfunction I grew up in. Before I was 40, if you had told me I was abused as a child, I would have said you were stupid. Denial is not just a big river in Egypt.

So when you add this new trauma on top of the old trauma...well, you get one big mess. Now I see my husband the same way I see my mother, my childhood abuser, and there is no turning it off. My T suggested that since I was so good at compartmentalizing (I am), I should compartmentalize that incident and see my husband as the safe, loving person he really is. Let me say here that up until that night, he was the only person on the planet that I truly felt safe with. Now there is no one. He is devastated and appalled at what he did. There are times I can tell he's trying to make it up to me, and I appreciate it, but with my past, there is no making up for it.

So now my pdoc has given me some homework, to document all of this (I'll document this post) and he wants me to do CBT with my therapist, which is a good idea, but first I have to tell Hubby he can't come to my therapy sessions anymore. He started going with for marriage counseling, but there's nothing else he and I can talk about that is going to make any difference.

My husband is going to be so hurt when I tell him all of this. He thinks I'm over it. I never told him that...I just never told him otherwise.

I'm not looking for marriage advice, or how to deal with being a battered spouse - been there, done that. I'm only posting it for cathartic reasons.