I'm so grateful for everyone's response. Writing it out and thinking about it more has given me some insight. I'm starting to wonder if one of the reasons I don't accept the diagnosis is because I am afraid to take the meds due to my terrible anxiety. I've had emetophobia (fear of vomiting) and health anxiety since I was 4 and it affects my decision-making in all sorts of seemingly unrelated ways, but definitely when it comes to medication of any kind. The common and so-called "minor" side effects scare me the most (nausea, dizziness). If I accept the BP diagnosis and want to get better, it means I have to face these major fears...