I'm starting a new page instead of my my previous thread (DON'T watch it, please), because it was very dark and said things I highly regret saying them, and apologize if anyone has been startled by me, it's just that I wrote it with intense anger I have inside me.

But things are starting to clear up, so I'll start with the following topic:
I try to control myself, perhaps too much. I am disappointed I could never make it into a long hetero relationship. The first breakup was devastating, the day after I tried to cope by eating a sweet chocolate snack and almost puked. I returned to my first therapist because he knows my past. There's something about meeting him the second time today that makes me feel repulsed.
I told him about quitting my second therapist, and just his high-pitched innocent-sounding curious tone of "Why did you quit him?" changed how I feel about quitting that last therapist.
I felt it was the right thing, but my current therapist makes me feel it wasn't the right thing to do. It feels controlling to me. This is why I feel therapy has controlled who I am, and this is why at some time in my life I wanted to see how I can get along without therapy, and then without psychiatric medications.
I felt successful people act on their own and probably don't question themselves much. I want to strive for success because I want to be successful. Yes, the superficial successes such as job promotions, connections with people and marriage... why? Because naturally I am laid-back and kinda slow-paced, I need to awaken that aggression within me to boost me!

I started watching "The School of Life" channel on YouTube which I highly recommend. But... there are numerous talks about "compassion", "love", "kindness", "warmth"... I don't know, how long do I have to waste my time questioning myself, while people who've had better family emotional bonding and better bonding with people through school for instance went with their impulses healthily and feel they didn't question themselves allot as they just lived their lives, while I feel I've been placed with walls both at home and in therapy at times. Why? Because when you're different, you need more walls as it feels to me...
It may be no wonder I never felt fully myself even after years of therapy. I remember people loving to hang out with me... but there's always been this feeling of loneliness inside I can't explain right now.

I am also displeased with the fact that I am self-obsessed about myself so much, I'm not sure if I even put masks or not. It could be because I'm trying to control myself too much. I worked on shifting myself away from my long-life gaming hobby to open my mind to more sports activities, to activate my body better and perhaps be in touch with my manly side better. I wanted to go away from just playing video games because I want to get serious about work, various social connections which are not just about gaming for instance, to expand my borders. On the other hand, gaming was a part of me because I've played video games all my life. On the third (?) hand, I just can't see myself going forward if I keep playing video games.

That's it for now.