I disagree with the above. I really think she "is" confused about herself right now. I think she partnered up way too early in her life and while I know you are her second marriage, I don't see that she grew from the failure of her first marriage and she was young with that and still young with you too.

I think she is at a point where she "wants" to be a stronger more independent person, but she is also experiencing a lot of fear and uncertainty with that. This is supposed to happen a lot earlier, but she did not have that experience because she got married so early which is pretty much like going from her parents home to a partnership and not really having time for "herself", then she had children and that was her life for a while.

I do know what she means when she is basically saying the cards and flowers are not enough. I have felt that myself. She needed you to help pick her up while she was working on building her self esteem at going back to school to become an RN. She needed you to be impressed and excited "for" her. She spent time with that other guy because he filled something she "needed" which was someone to talk to. That is also why you had that online relationship that she caught you having.

You were "both" lacking in your relationship and began reaching out to others. It's no wonder she is confused and doesn't "know". And now with whatever failed in this friendship she had with this married man, she is even more confused but she can't talk to "you" about it, so now she doesn't know what to do.

Your cleaning the house is helpful, but it's not going to fill what's really missing in your relationship, "communication" and you both lost that or maybe never really developed it.
Men always want to know, "what can I do to fix the problem", well, you both have to work that out "together" and while cards and flowers are nice, they don't "fix" what is wrong.

I will say that what you did when you reached out to someone else first and she caught you was you not only broke her trust but also her self esteem. That left her wide open for this other guy to sweep in and give her "some" of what she needed. I am glad to know that fell apart because he was just some married guy that probably needed some attention too and was willing to have a woman and her children in his house when his wife was away.

So, you both lost communication with each other, and you both looked outside your marriage, bottom line is you are both guilty. So, that is what you can say to her and honestly, this happens in marriages and sometimes that leads to an end in the marriage, and sometimes that leads to taking steps, even if that means "with help" from a marriage counselor that can work with both of you separately and together so you can both find out if you "can" repair your marriage. Personally, I think it's worth a try considering you have children that I am sure would like to see their family return to being put back together again.