Hi Trailrunner,

In the past, I did the same thing you did: just made friends with whoever wanted to be my friend. I also didn't realize that I could look around at people and decide who I wanted to be friends with.

I did go through a situation similar to yours, where a long-standing friend responded to my mental health challenges and the ways I had changed by being critical toward me. Her comment to me was to "quit wallowing in self-pity." She also said I had brought some of my depression on myself by having a negative attitude. Another thing she did was email me frequently with messages or attachments that I felt were designed to get me to "shape up!"

It was very discouraging and hurtful to me. What I ended up doing is writing her a letter and telling her that I loved her, but that her comments felt critical and judgemental when I was already doing the best I could. I asked her not to contact me anymore. Seven years went by before I finally ran into her, and she hugged me with tears in her eyes and was so glad to see me. By then, I had healed quite a bit and was able to forgive what happened and re-establish a connection, although we are not as close as we once were. I am careful not to talk much about my depression or anything mental health related because I know she doesn't understand. That being said, I do think she still loves me. She just doesn't "get it." She's like a lot of people who think that if we only tried harder, we could get over our problems...that it is all within our control.

When I look back on the situation, if I had been more healed at the time when my friend was being critical of me, rather than cutting off contact completely, I would have faced the situation more head-on. I would have thanked her for caring about me and trying to help, but let her know that her critical comments were actually making me feel worse, and to please refrain from making comments of that sort. I would have given her a chance to make that adjustment before cutting her off. But at the time, I wasn't able to handle confrontation.

If you believe your friend is a good one who has your best interests at heart, but is just clueless, you might try a similar approach. On the other hand, if she truly is narcissistic and makes you feel bad on a regular basis and that is her nature most of the time, you may be better off ending the friendship.

If you decide to end the friendship, you could either take the direct approach and tell her that you don't think continuing the friendship is in your best interests, and the reason why...or you could take the more indirect route by reducing your contact with her slowly but purposefully.