Yes, my memory is bad during psychosis and people tell me I said or did things that I cannot recollect as well. I relate very much to your fear, panic and utter terror about the possible future when considering all the symptoms you know you experience. I relate to the worry of not coming out of it. Just think back to the times you have. As you improve, make notes of what you did and how it helped or hurt. This will help you form more concrete Game plans to combat episodes going forward. It will serve as a concrete reminder that you do make it through these hard times and see better days. I too went through a terrifying experience recently and I'm still battling symptoms now. My husband kept promising me it would improve and to just keep taking meds and staying in contact with my doctor. I didn't believe it would get better but I listened and guess what...things are definitely improving. They will for you too Cash. Please hang on Hun....please keep the faith. We are here for you.....your family loves you. It will be ok. Go easy on yourself and try not to focus on the future at all right now....there is plenty of time to worry later. Right now just be kind to yourself in the moment. Sending lots of positivity your way. (((Hugs)))