Hi I'm Luna. I think my post needs a trigger warning.
I'm here because my husband asked me to talk to someone. anyone.

Long story short, I had a difficult childhood and it still haunts me decades later.

I've wanted to end my life time to time. The first time was when I was 12 years old. Then it got calmed down till I went to college. I don't have this sever depression so often. It comes and goes.

But the last couple of days were the hardest. I feel I have no value, no need to exist, worthless, ashamed, etc. I feel horrible that my husband has to deal with me and I just want to end it all for everyone's sake. I strangled myself for the first time. I almost fainted and fell on the floor. My husband noticed and he stayed with me whole night to make sure I would be still alive the next day. I only wanted to feel physical pain to overwrite emotional pain. He said people die like that not knowing how dangerous it is. I didn't know but I still repeated it next day when he was not there. I didn't care.

During my work today, I was thinking when to end my life and how I should manage it. I was very calm and logical when I was thinking and THAT scares me.
I'd rather live a happy life but how can I be happy when I don't even care my life. I don't even know what I can achieve here but here I am.