Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think it's like a couple of you have said, I think I keep convincing myself I'm at peace and at times I feel like I am but it's forever niggling at me and I can feel it now when I'm going on dates, I'm struggling to feel comfortable and not distance myself because I automatically feel like I don't trust them not to hurt me in some way. I know I need to process the feelings but it feels like it's been so long and I just want to move past it all and get on with my life now. I feel like my heart won't let my head move on

I will see if I can find some appropriate counselling, I always struggle to find these things other than by first explaining myself to a GP.