I know the feeling you describe. Luckily i live with people here who would kick me out if i so as even took a drink or did drugs but i want to. when we go to weddings or whatever it feels good to drink enough to take the pain away. I've posted at a lot of sites asking if there's a way to get numb without drugs or alcohol. The only answer i ever got was a therapist person who said to practice mindfulness and meditations for this.