I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. I wish I had some great advice to give you as you've always been an inspiration and given support to so many others. I don't know except to remind your household that you've been through these before and that you will eventually come out of it. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself and take it one baby step at a time. You're not alone. So many people on this forum care about you. I hope you start feeling better and get back to leading soon.