I am so very tired of dealing with the day to day issues of my dissorder... it is so hard to know that there are things to be so very happy about but feel so very depressed. How does one cope with life when it just seems so very much not worth it most of the time? I am always so very exausted no matter what I try to do... I clean all day when I am at my sister's house so as to help her out and she is always so greatful but it isn't my home. Sometimes I wonder if I am meant to live on my own ever... I have always lived with someone ... be it family or a significant other or friend... I love them all so very dearly.

The only reason that I see to hold onto my life these days is my sister and her family, and a kid that I concider my own even though I didn't give birth to him. I am afraid to even try to get a job most days... I have so many applications in but I seem to not be able to hold the jobs once I have them for more than a short time. My longest job has only lasted for about 6 months (just long enough to get benifits) before something physical or mental causes me troubles. I love my family but it is getting to the point that I don't even want to try anymore... saddly I actually have the means to stop it all... and not in a good way... I actually have others monitor my medications and when I take them so that I can't OD on them... I have to have them for pain from a car accident but I am so very scared to actually get them all in my hands and be able to do what feels like the best option anymore. Muscle relaxers will allow me to just go to sleep and never wake again but is it what I really want?

How do I continue to cope through it all? What do I need to do to feel safe when I am alone? Will I ever get rid of the suffering and be able to live a "normal" life? According to some... I will... but it sure doesn't feel like it. For now ... I make sure that I stay near others so that I know that I am as safe as I can be... but it isn't really as easy as I let on to my family at times. I have gotten so very good at faking a smile and putting on the "happy" face that I don't even know when it is real anymore.

Am I suicidal? ..... feels like it
Will I actually go through with it?..... maybe if I am left alone for to long... I don't want to find out