Yes, she is probably much too insecure still to let you get close that way. I have experienced that myself so I can actually relate to that. I don't want to stand in judgement of her because I don't think that is fair to her or you. I did not experience an emotional affair like your wife has been doing, I may have been susceptible to that if it did present itself. I do remember that awful feeling of not feeling "safe" and it was VERY hard on me. I did not have a site like this to reach out to either at the time. A lot of people take that for granite now and forget how this was not there for people and it has not really been that long either.

I am not so sure an ultimatum is going to be helpful. Yet, I also understand your concerns when it comes to her and this other man who has managed to come into the middle and is providing her with "some" safety. It sure would have been so much better if it was a therapist instead of this individual that is clearly making this challenge much harder. It's very hard when someone doesn't feel safe and are confused the way your wife is.

She really needs a therapist to help her with this challenge.