T is so thoughtful and caring. I have never felt like this in my life and I love it and feel guilty for loving it.

We talked about the feeling guilty for loving being with her and where the guilt comes from. It is just so awesome to be able to tell her that I could sit with her in the room and neither of us could talk and it would still feel good, still be therapeutic.

I love being with her. She could read me her shopping list and I'd be content.

She's going to be on vacation for 2 weeks. It's going to be hard. She told me this last week and said she was going to 'be around' and would still be able to be reached by cell phone. She's offered the cell phone before several times but I can never call it. I feel undeserving, not special enough, that my need isn't 'good enough' or important enough. I have wanted to but just couldn't.

So after a rough weekend I called her regular phone and left a message on Sunday night. I just wanted to hear her voice in the recording and I wanted to feel connected to her. I said that's why I was calling and that she didn't need to call me back. Monday I called again from my cell, very late, needing the comfort of her voice so I could maybe sleep. But I accidentally called her cell!! At midnight!! omg. I realized it when it rang longer, the machine usually picks up after 3 rings and this kept ringing. I didn't wnat to not leave a message, didn't want her to have a call with no one there and have her wonder or worry. So I lef t a message saying I didn't mean to call her cell and she didn't need to call me back, was just connecting again. A few minutes later she called :-) . I missed it and was listening to the message that said she was goiong to try again in a few minutes. I slept with the phone in my hand.

She called the next day at work, wanting to 'touch base' and to see how I was doing. She had called back that night before but it must have been when I was listening to her message.

I just love so much that she calls and I love hearing her voice when she does. She called me at work, knowing I can't talk (no privacy) yet I could hear her voice and be comforted.

So, when she said she'd be on vacation but accessible by cell, it was a dilemma for me because of my not wanting to call her cell. That night after I left the message on her cell I was saying to myself I couldn't BELIEVE i called her cell!! And then I chuckled because I wondered.... was I "practicing" in case I want to call her when she's on vacation?