She bad mouthed you to these other people because she needed to vent her anger and how that deeply affected her sense of safety. Her anger and resentment towards you is how you severely hurt her sense of safety. I don't think she understands that, yet, I am willing to bet that when she sees you, as she has tried to articulate to you, all it did was remind her of that sudden lack of safety she experienced that "you" created.

I know for myself, I had so many emotions, even anger, but I don't think at the time I connected that on a conscious level of how my husband's actions deeply affected my sense of safety overall. I did not want him in my house at all, I could not be around him because I had too many challenging emotions that I needed space to calm down. I was separated for a few months myself. I wanted to hurt him and did want to find another man to do just that with too. I don't know what would have happened had I found that tbh. We did have to see a marriage counselor for a bit.