So what I said in the last post would probably make more sense if I actually included my recent e-mails to MC (both sent Monday, no response yet, but that's not unusual--he sometimes takes a couple days):
"Hi MC,

Just going to jump right in here with a few post-session thoughts. I'm thinking I have some issues with object permanence regarding you. One random thing I liked about the old office is that, when I had sessions with T, we walked past your office, and if you had the door closed or open with the light on, I knew you were in that day and it was like, "Good, he still exists." Or if I saw your [color make of car] in the parking lot (I think you must be driving something different now because I haven't noticed it--God, now I probably sound like a stalker or something!) I had a similar reaction when H said he saw you Saturday, like this voice in my head going, "Yay, he still exists!" (Now I'm thinking of that commercial with Santa and the M&M guys...)

I wonder if that's part of the e-mailing thing, too? Not so much to get reassurance about our relationship or anything, but just to find out whether you're still breathing. For whatever reason, knowing you still exist in the world makes me feel more safe and secure.

I assume this all comes from a very young part of me. Like the part with separation anxiety (though I had issues with that at 12, too). To tie this back into today's session, this may be why I feel the need, if [daughter] is in her room upset, to let her know I'm still here, whether by calling up to her or actually going into her room. Which I guess is actually filling my need...

Stepping back a moment...why do I have so much trouble trusting that you exist if I don't get any hard evidence of it? I assume this goes back to unmet childhood needs, maybe? Or does it mean something bad happened to me way back when object permanence was supposed to become a thing, and I was so young that I don't remember it? So that part of my development went haywire?

And OK, I'm still kind of paranoid because of a comment you made a few months ago, when I talked about how you understood me. And I didn't want to lose that feeling of being understood, of feeling less alone in the world. And you made a comment about how, "Even if I die 3 months after you stop seeing me, that sense of being understood doesn't go away" (or something that). So I guess since you said that, this little part of my brain is like, "What if you have some terminal illness and that's why you worded it like that? Instead of just saying after we stop seeing you, that feeling will still be there?" (Please don't say, "Things are OK," because I now realize that's your general answer when things are very much NOT OK, but you don't want to go into it.)

So, there you go. Feel free to share any thoughts...Or at least to let me know you still exist!

Thanks,
LT"

Sent a few hours later:
"So, OK, there's all the object permanence stuff. But on a more basic level, it's that I often struggle with missing you between sessions. I sometimes start feeling sad when I see it's almost time to go because I know I won't see you for another week. Like today, I felt that way. And sometimes it's like I'm trying to squeeze in as much connection as I can in those last few minutes to hold me over to the next week. And then sometimes (not today) I end up crying on the way home because it's like I already miss you...

I feel like this sounds really pathetic, but there it is..."