As an update, I haven't tried to reach out to my ex again, as although I've wanted to very much, I've taken her lack of response as a desire to be left alone, and don't wish to upset her or disrespect her wishes/boundaries, even though I can only assume them. As such, I've reconciled myself to the fact that getting back with her is likely impossible. Now that my mind is clearer though, it's dawned on me that I'll likely have another situation to face. That being that when she moved out, she chose to move less than 5 minutes away, and so it's inevitable I'll run into her at some point, and would like any heads up on how to make that as least awkward as possible.

I have my own thoughts, and some advice from others, but it all largely depends on a best guess as to the situation at hand. As such, I have a question, that being, is there any difference between feelings of intimacy/being smothered, and that of rejection/abandonment, as it may help. I get that the usual reaction is to run in the face of either, but am curious if the feelings behind it differ, depending on which it was.

Whilst I'm sure my initial break up with my ex was motivated by a need to run, it seemed to be short lived. From what she said to me afterwards, when we were still talking and on good terms, I think it was largely motivated by a fear of potential rejection, rather than fear of intimacy. She moved out, and for no good reason moved very close by, and was quick to re initiate contact, and even bring up potential reconciliation. So it appears, at least initially, that she knew her decision was impulsive, and was leaving the door open.

Being aware not to pressurise her, I didn't go overboard in my desire to reconcile, and said we could take things slowly, and that I'd respect and understand it if she felt she couldn't. It seemed, rather than appearing comfortable by my lack of pressure, she was a little impatient with it at times. That said, when I tried to move things forward, she'd back off, and yet when I said I'd accept it if she didn't want the same, she quickly said that wasn't the case, and was just confused, and was reluctant to close the door.

It was ultimately only the pressures of work and exams that caused her to suddenly pull away sharply, as things were on really good terms prior to that. The silence and ignoring only came when I responded to her withdrawal by saying that I'd give her space, which made her angry.

Given that I never hassled her to change her mind, and only said I wanted to reconcile, and that I said I'd accept if she didn't want to, would that likely have led to her feeling concerned about rejection? Would her agitation at my offer of giving her space have merely been annoyance as she was distancing anyway, or misinterpreted as me deciding not to simply back off, but give up, and thus further rejection?

I ask because I try to avoid rushing to apply labels inappropriately, as tempting as it may be. And so, whilst I know that her abandonment fears played a part, there were other, normal factors too. For example, apart from a little hesitance and uncertainty, she was making steps to reconcile, without any pressure from me, and so was not being avoidant at all as far as the relationship was concerned and, if anything seemed to want me to push a little harder at times. In fact, confusion and uncertainty is exactly what I'd expect from anyone, in the face of a slow and cautious approach from me. Perhaps I was just as guilty of inadvertently giving mixed signals, by automatically assuming avoidance was the main/only issue, and treading too carefully?

It was eventually only external factors, such as work and exams that resulted in the big push away, and that is how anyone might act, avoidant or not, if they were in such a position. So, whilst there's no doubt that she has very strong avoidant traits, is it possible I assumed they played more of a role than they actually did?

Not that it makes much difference to where things are now. However, given that I'll likely run into her at some point, it would help to know how best to handle that, as I'd rather it was no more awkward than it need be. Regardless of anything else, she's a nice person, and I do care for her very much, and want her to be happy no matter what.

In a normal relationship that's easy. I have enough experience to know that when one ends as a result of an argument, with feelings still intact, there's an initial period of to and fro, which either results in a quick resolution, or another blow up and/or withdrawal. In the majority of cases, after leaving the other person to cool down a bit, they eventually reach out again, but it's almost always best to leave it to them.

That's where I am now. However, it would obviously make things easier, and much less awkward, if there was some contact prior to any possible bumping into each other. Ordinarily I'd leave it to her to make contact if ever she wants to, whether avoidance is the issue or not. My issue though is, if avoidance wasn't the key issue, and she does in fact cool down, then it will certainly play a part in her ability to reach out, which she likely won't if rejection is her main fear. Having spoken to some other avoidants, it's also been suggested that I do reach out occasionally, if only to let her know it would be welcomed, but not expected or an obligation, so she feels safe to do so if ever she wants.

So I guess my question is, from what I've written, is it likely that any avoidance on her part is due to fear of intimacy/smothering, or fear of rejection? Would any reaching out on my part be received differently, depending on what the underlying fear was? If so and it's the former, then I'd imagine it's straightforward, and any contact on my part, would serve no useful purpose, and would likely only have a negative effect. If the latter though, it might make any future crossing of paths a little easier, as long as it's done right. That in itself is also hard, and so it would also help to know how I could do that in a way that was sincere and couldn't be misinterpreted negatively.

It's a tough call, as I don't wish to upset her by either making unwelcome contact, or appearing to just dismiss her, as there was never any bad feeling in the break up. We always got on really well, she was largely affectionate, if a little guarded, and neither of us have wronged the other in any way, and we've both acted in a kind, friendly and respectful way towards each other since we broke up. The awkwardness that exists now, is solely because she pulled away and went silent, without explanation, and my subsequent offer to give her space. As such, even though reconciliation may not be realistic, it would be nice to at least overcome that awkwardness if possible, for the times we might run into each other.