My counselor and I have never discussed c-ptsd. I'm not sure if she's heard of it. I saw it here on the forums. she says I'm working through PTSD. She thinks my cancer/treatment started the condition, and the condition continued when I suffered another major, though not life-threatening, setback (daughter abused, my mother chose abuser). She knows about my childhood abuse, and it is the major hurdle we've been making our way towards.

I know I experienced disassociation and extreme anxiety during my youth. I compensated in many ways, and appeared successful and normal..but I was not. my first flashback that I for sure recall happened before I knew I had cancer. I had been trying to recall the childhood abuse, and suddenly I was in the past, sweating, gripping the blankets, terrified. I think I've always had PTSD, but tried so hard to avoid triggers and thoughts/memories, so I didn't have "flashbacks" until I was older, and could no longer avoid.

Sometimes I think I'm nothing but compensations, even my passions. I need to be more positive about myself, I know.

I don't exactly have a question, but the question is me. I write this to document, otherwise I will write on paper in a disorganized mess that i would soon throw away, and forget.

I've tried so hard to keep the past feeling like the past, and i suppose I can celebrate since I'm mostly succeeding on that front.
My longstanding problem is self doubt. Having PTSD and anxiety causes my self doubt, plus all the bad programming my parents put in me.
I chip away at programming, I disentangle myself from my parents, I struggle to accept I resemble them in ways that might be okay, I'm struggling with shame.
My longstanding problem is shame.

I hate to be were my father was before his death..examining shame. My fathers death is triggering.
I hate to be feeling worthless and childish, like my mother feels...her problems with that make her become complicit with abusers. Thinking about disassociation and denial about abusers is triggering.
Getting out and away from these things is like navigating through a mine field.
I need protection. I think I need to outsmart, out-love shame.