Ok - almost nothing we do is a choice until such a time we take control of our lives. We live off "gut reaction" and "instinct" until then. Even my decision to become pregnant was a type of instinctive need for love - and I went with the first gut reaction I knew would likely achieve my goal. I understand you are probably thinking "yea but I had nobody to talk to". That's true and I understand that and I wish I could take that pain from you. I know what that pain is and it hurts probably worse than any other because it serves to magnify all others - until you know how to take away it's power.

I told you already, during my teen years, I had nobody either. After I moved out, my family continues to pretty much alienate me and I have not had a lot of friends. I have had to learn to be my own "best friend", my own "mother", my own "counselor" .. etc. Anything I needed in my social circle, I had to learn to be those things for myself because I came to understand people will hurt you. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes unintentionally. But everybody - sooner or later, if they are in your life for long, will disappoint or hurt you. If you become those things for yourself, then when that disappointment or hurt arises, you are strong enough to be able to deal with it because you know how to console or chastise yourself correctly and lovingly to get yourself back on track. Others might derail you further. I am not telling you to be a loner. I am saying to not depend on others for your happiness.

Decide what it is you like. As long as it is not hurtful to you or others and is legal, do that - and dont apologize for it.

If there is something about you YOU (dont worry about how others feel) dont like - change it to what would make you happy (as long as it is neither harmful to you or others nor illegal) and don't apologize for that

If there are things or people in your life holding you back from happiness, find a way (healthily and legally) to rearrange the boundaries to get you closer to happiness.

When you need someone to talk to and nobody is there - journal, write poems, sing, listen to music, write blogs, come here and write, scream out into the nothingness, do what you need to do - but dont let it set there and build up and eat at you
*hugs*
❤

Sorry took so long to respond - seriously had to lie down for a bit, was not feeling well at all