esther, God bless your hurting heart, I can really relate to what you're feeling. The only thing I can offer you is what seemed to help me out of my circumstances... understanding the "spiritual dynamic" I seek because I need, the enemy confuses because he fears, God loves,because thats what he is. when I applied this simple perspective it motivated me to seek even harder and to claim the power of Christ to overcome satans lies of fear and confusion that tried to keep me defeated. It really takes a "boldness" to walk up to the door of fear and kick it down. it won't just open with the handle, (its locked) but beyond that door is your joy! all of the excuses and reasons that prevent you from doing this are the enemy's work to prevent you from that. Hope this helps, truly, we are more than conquerers in Christ! live in victory, or die in defeat, these are simple choices. he truly is the "lover of your soul"