Some triggering stuff here mentioned. Warning.

So if you have read my previous post, I've been struggling a lot the last few days. To the point where people could tell something was off with me.

Anyways, after band, I managed to get myself to talk to the person whom I have managed myself to talk to about And I told them how my thoughts have been and she told me to go to the hospital. Based on the thoughts I've been having, she felt I was not safe, and should go to the hospital. And it was so bad. She was crying and was like "you deserve better. This isn't your fault." And I'm honestly emotional numb at the moment, so I couldn't cry at all and still can't. She understands me so much. She's like a mother to me in my eyes. And she was like "I'm going to call your mom. You need to go." Red flags in my head are going off. I can't tell my mom. But she kept saying it over and over, and then ending up sticking with "I'm calling your mom, okay?" I ended up saying yes. And she did call my mom. My mom came to pick me up. She and my mom talked about me and some other things. My concern was that my mom was going to dismiss me and be like "you don't need to go". Literally, the question she asked me after my teacher left me and my mom was "do you actually need to go to the hospital? In your opinion." Like, if a teacher is telling your mom they are having these thoughts, why are you asking this? I didn't want to go, partly because I was afraid to go. Also, I feel fine now (and before the hospital I felt fine) so in my mind I was like "I can manage". But seeing my teacher upset, I had to go. I did it for her mainly, but i needed it for me. It upset me more when she told me on a school field trip she was on, they had to send another kid home early for the same reason I went to the ER for.

My mom was fine overall. She wasn't mad. She was upset that I didn't tell her. And as I thought, she blamed that I watched the show "13 Reasons Why" for thinking like this, but I didn't even know what the show was about until like a week ago because of a psychologist giving a talk about the show and

My hospital visit. It was a lot of waiting. I wasn't seen until like an hour and a half later. Like, I had my pre-talks to the staff like "why are you here?" And then I told another person the same thing, but they did a pulse check and head thingy, I don't know. And then there was another person who gave me my wrist band. And then I was sitting down for a while. And then the doctor (not a psychiatrist) saw me. Well, I don't think they were a psychiatrist anyways. But they saw me, and then they printed papers for me stating that they believe that So they assigned a security guard on me to make sure nothing would happen. That made me the most stressed. And then there was a lot more waiting. Finally I was saw by the crisis worker two hours later. And we talked for about two hours. It was really helpful. I feel better because of it. But in the end, she said she thinks I'm fine to go home, and the doctor did too, and if I feel in crisis this weekend to go back and I was okay. So now I'm home. I'm just so tired. I was there for a total of 5 hours. I'm happy I'm home.

Now, I do need to talk to my music teacher tomorrow. I can't leave her without knowing what happened. I would feel too bad about it. I'll drop by tomorrow. Go out for lunch too. I need to treat myself honestly. Thank you for all your support.