Thanks for saying it for me. yes, i dont really feel GOOD, just stable and safe. which seems good but i guess its not - or i wouldnt talk about it.

i want peace and quiet too and when i have it, it doesnt feel as good as expected. just boring maybe. i dont know how life could be exciting AND stable. any change in routine makes me anxious which i consider both good and stimulating (when i feel good) and bad and to avoid (when i feel bad). at the moment i welcome good anxiety about my new job and i avoid bad social anxiety keeping everyone at distance/isolating myself.

i guess i sound depressed cause at this moment i feel a huge sense of acceptance for life as i experiment it - ugly, unfair, disappointing, meaning less etc. i dont really feel bad or angry about it, just a huge acceptance.

i think clozapine takes about 6 months to fully kick in and about 6 months to fully wear off. or at least this was my timing. i started to feel awful - not even able to talk - about 6 months after i had quit the meds and then it took about 6 months to feel more stable again after i was back on the meds.