See, these are cases where I disagree with MC's "Anger is OK" stance (I'd tell him he's been quoted on the couch, but he seems anti-PC, or at least against me going here.) Yes, in theory, any feeling or emotion is OK. But when, why, or how it's expressed isn't necessarily OK.

It sounds like for both of you, your SO's get upset because you're feeling bad and can't explain what's wrong. I've experienced that on occasion with my H--and H has reacted that way to our daughter, too (if she's upset and can't say why). I assume some of that comes from frustration, because they care about us and want to help but don't know how. But I know for me, if I'm feeling anxious or depressed, someone yelling at me certainly doesn't help. Like H used to seem angry at me when I had a panic attack. So then, in addition to trying to control the panic, I'd also be apologizing to him, which would often make him more annoyed. It's taken a few discussions in marriage counseling, but I think he finally understands what will and won't help me in those times. Though he still sometimes seems irritated...

Do you think it would help to tell your partners what would help you when you're feeling that way? If you haven't already, that is.