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Originally Posted by Demunie
Neither will yelling help your SH urges or your ability to feel emotions. I think that's something that's very hard to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. Like, BF often gets angry about my trust issues / issues with touch. He thinks I just do those things because I don't trust him enough or because I want him to get mad. He doesn't get that somethings are just completly impossible for me (not gonna spam the board with examples ^^ )
My BF often complains that I look/walk around like a slapped dog after an argument (if I'm still able to walk around, lol.). People blowing up is damn scary.
It feels wrong for me that he calls you a whiner and invalidates your triggers... Also that he gets angrier when you apologize "wrong". Could you try explaining your view of this in a calm minute, when you're both not in a withdrawn/animated/angry state?
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Oh god yes, yelling at me over Skype or over text (since we're LDR) doesn't help me. It fuels my trust problems because I get scared he'll do it face to face, especially after I move to Scandinavia and Iose all my independence in my home country.
And he gets mad when he realises again and again that yeah I don't fully trust him. He gets angry that I think he'll snap and that he isn't safe. He feels hurt.
I suspect maybe something similar goes on with you and your BF, sorry if I'm protecting. Your statements "BF often gets angry about my trust issues / issues with touch. He thinks I just do those things because I don't trust him enough or because I want him to get mad. He doesn't get that somethings are just completly impossible for me" especially.
Because yeah total trust is IMPOSSIBLE for me and my partner keeps saying he's not my parents. T keeps saying she isn't my parents too but that doesn't reassure me because hey, I think ANYONE can snap and blow up and hurt me, no matter how safe they've been.
Honestly, people blowing up are scary and I'm not surprised you're fearful, probably because I've that same cowering reflex the moment I detect anger in others.
I've talked to him tons when we're both calm and he always apologises but then he does feel hurt that I'm mistrustful even after 11 years. Because i dont trust him, because he knows I perceive him as being able to snap, he says it hurts that I think he's a monster. Partly due to his own personal issues like his mother accusing him of being like his bio dad who abused them.
But it's not really him, I mistrust everyone, including T. And before he and me worked hard on our relationship, he used to call me a lot of hurtful names.
Much later Edit to remove a line