im learning alot about myself... how i dissociate... its weird... i dont understand it...
i just feel like different parts of myself dissociate, kind of go away, leaving this .. shell altered... or is it a shell? or are parts going away? thats what it feels like... i feel like being in the central core of all the action you know, and going through life... i just lose part of myself, because i cant handle it anymore, instead of losing my whole life... i lose part of my life... but its not gone, and it connects sometimes and the same problems come up, the insanity that fell away, that broke off... becomes part of me... im in a lot of pain, i feel really sick, it hurts a lot... i dont want to be sober... im scared and having alot of panic attacks about being sober, its coming... im afraid to face it again... i dont want it to come back you know?

does any of that make sense?

the other day i saw myself in a million reflections, simultaneously, i felt odd... and i can almost feel the same way if i focus on it... but i dont like that feeling... makes me feel like ... dizzy... like when your reflection collapses on itself... what me, is the real.. me..? who is you? this... pandoras box opens...

i want to understand... but im afraid im runing out of time... im scared... im telling everyone around me that i hate this planet... i dont wanna be here anymore... but they dont know what i mean... i dont wanna die, i just dont want to feel that pain, a thousand pains, dissociated pain...

sigh.......

like an old telephone box, plugging cables in and out to connect calls... the information comes through as the cables are connected but can be pulled at any moment... no telling when... its ... ... ... gone
thats what i feel like, connections to other parts coming and going... constantly... not a full connection, just dissociation in and out of reality... im inbetween what i think is hell and hell....

stuck in a prison inside my mind, please help me

i think that its really bad... i think that its happening and keeping me here... in this place... locked away...
im trying to fight it but its getting worse... i hate this place.. i hate this planet i dont want to be here anymore...
i want to wake up and be in reality... i want to be normal, what do i do, my paradigm is falling apart and im trying to make huge shift that is making everything shakey and fall !
my whole "system" is like WTF
and im screaming WAKE UP ITS TOO LATE THIS IS OVER NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE I WANNA WAKE UP I HATE THIS PLAC I HATE THIS PLACE I HATE THIS PLACE
you know what i mean?
i want make a big change... im so tired... i want it all to be differnt... NOW.... im tired of waiting... its too late... i want it now... i hate this place so much and want out... i want the dissociation to stop.. iwant to WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

do anyone know what i mean....

im stuck... im stuck in a semi dissociative state... in and out of a realm i have created inside my mind... and its pulling me inside... and im afraid ill be trapped there for ever if i dont fight back... i dont know what to do... i dont know who im fighting or what is here or whats going on... but i must be fighting myself... i dont understand it but i just want it to stop and i want to be happy and ok, i want things to be ok i just wanna be happy and fine... no more pain...

i feel it becoming stronger you know... or maybe im just geting more tired...

the fog is more dense... the other parts are more verbal.... more... physical.... and i dont know whats going on, i saw myself sitting in the dark forest of fog last night.... alone... i took a deep breathe and looked up and the fog cleared a bit and i tried to call out with a gasp if anyone can hear me please help...
and the fog engulfed me... dont wanna talk about what happened... tried making a deal with the devil and stuff but didnt work... but wasnt me obviously.. but im doing alot of bad things weird things...

it hurts, im feeling so much more now... it hurts
am i waking up?
how long have i been asleep... or have i been sleeping.... through all of this?
aeraereagjahgjkheuahe blah grrrrr ........ ........
i hate this place....

stop writing now..........

i hate mm y self. ...