i dont even know what to say.. i am so depressed. Broke into sobbing again last night. Left messages for t and pdoc. Talk to pdoc this morning and he's making a med change. But like he said, so much situational stuff going on.. and we suspect a larger endocrine issue. Will be seeing T in 2 hrs

xmas is hurting bad. i used to love xmas. This is the first one on my own. parents are coming though. i feel huge guilt for the xmas "someone" else will be having. i refused to get together for it. i feel so bad b/c he has no one except hi mother who is out to lunch. i feel bad thinking about him opening the very few presents he will have... and not having anyone who gives a %#@&#!.

oh god... now i'm crying in a diner... great.

i have panic attacks in stores now... cant go in for anything for longer than a few minutes. i have had to buy gifts online to avoid the xmas scene.

i dont want a tree or decorations or presents. i dont want any of it. it's too hard to face... but my parents dont understand. they are insisting. i cant ruin things for them... they are travelling all this way to make sure i wouldn't be totally alone.

how can i spend xmas in tears?

i wish i could dig a deep hole and bury myself in there for months... until everyone forgot i existed. Maybe i'd just stay there until i died. i'm already dying of heart ache